Love Thy Enemy
by IAmThePoisonedYouth
Summary: {Coldflash} Barry knows it's wrong, but is unable to stop himself.
1. Chapter 1

Barry's not really sure how, when or why it started.

Well, actually, he knows when but not why, because one lonesome, brooding night after his return from Earth-2 and Jay's death, he found himself once again battling his notorious enemy Captain Cold, who had been stealing (now, there's a surprise) from a jewellery store, only there was something different about this encounter than usual.

Leonard was just about to escape from the rooftop of the store when Barry zipped in, his usual optimism for the job dimmed by the memories of what happened on the other Earth. He hadn't told anybody about what he had seen, knowing they were all much too caught up in their own troubles to talk to him and he had been avoiding Harry and Cisco, not wanting to relive the experience.

"Hello… _Flash."_ Leonard greets him with his usual sarcastic smirk, with a strange sort of seduction glinting in his blue eyes, "Long time, no see. Or maybe I just missed our little talks."

Barry pulled back his mask, knowing there was no point in hiding from Snart, he already knew his not-so-secret identity, he had done for months and yet, still hadn't told anybody.

"Put the jewels back, Snart." he commanded, not caring about how dry his tone was.

Snart arched an eyebrow, "What's the matter, Barry? You usually have more…" he stepped forward, studying the speedster carefully before continuing, " _Gusto."_

"I'm just not in the mood." Barry replied, "Now, put them back, or I will."

Leonard frowned, "You know, I was just growing to like you a little bit. You were funny." he circled Barry, seeing the other back down slightly, "Smart." he smiled again as he whispered, " _Very hot._ But I guess that's more Mick's thing."

"You're flirting with me." Barry stated, and he puffed out a breath when Leonard stepped closer before whipping around to face him, "Why the hell are you doing this?"

Leonard shrugged, "It's fun. Seeing you all weak at the knees." he laughed coldly, "I feel like a kid again. Well… a kid from a different childhood because mine did not include much of that, _if you know what I mean."_

Barry huffed, thinking about how he had only split up with Patty mere weeks before and was still reeling from the heartache of it all. He didn't want to make Leonard the rebound guy, no matter how much of an asshole he could be.

Now that he thought about it, Barry couldn't remember the last time he had been so attracted to a male - a faint distant memory of a crush on Oliver Queen came to mind, but he had outgrown that in his time being The Flash.

He hadn't even thought about his sexuality in years, but knew that he had always had attractions who were both male and female, despite only dating girls. The prospect of being attracted to somebody of the same sex always made Barry feel like an outcast and although he knew that Joe, Iris and everybody around him would still accept him whether he was gay, bisexual or any variations thereupon, he still felt uncomfortable to talk about it.

"You look miserable, Barry." Leonard's voice broke him out of his trance, and it was just then, he remembered why he was here.

Barry hissed, "I'm fine. Now put the jewellery back before the cops get here. You sounded the alarm."

"They can try to stop me." Leonard remarked and reached for his Cold Gun.

Barry stepped forward, resting his hand on Leonard's, "No. You don't have to do this, Leonard."

"You called me by my first name…" Leonard looked slightly amazed as he looked up at Barry, "Nicely, too. There's a change. You sure you're not into me?"

Barry avoided the question when he realised just how close their faces were, their lips a breath away from touching.

He backed away, stammering, " _N-No._ You don't get to do this to me. You can't charm yourself out of this one, Snart."

"So." Leonard looked amused, "You think I'm charming?"

Barry shook his head, "Stop. You can't possibly- look, I've had a really shit week, and the last thing I need is you playing this game with me, Snart."

"What game?" Leonard's hand reached out and brushed against Barry's shoulder, his eyes trailing up his torso in a _come, hither_ fashion.

Barry's lips suddenly felt really dry and he gasped, hearing the faint sound of sirens growing closer.

"Well," Leonard began, "Sorry to cut this short, but that's my cue." he gave a small smile, " _Bye, Barry."_

When Leonard turned to go, all of Barry's passions drowned his morals, and he couldn't help himself as he grabbed Snart's arm, pulling him back around before grabbing the lapel of his parka and pulling him into a hard, passionate kiss.

Snart was taken by surprise at first, letting out a short exclamation before his hand found Barry's waist, pulling him closer as their lips clashed together.

The sound of sirens rushing down the street caused the two to break apart, Leonard looking unusually vulnerable as he emptied his pockets, dropping the jewels onto the ground.

Never taking his eyes off Barry, he breathlessly said, "We should probably go."

"Yeah." Barry murmured before grabbing Leonard and blurring them both away from the scene in a flash of lightning whilst the other man whispered the address of his current residency so that Barry would know where to take him.

When they arrived at the old warehouse Leonard was squatting in, Barry skidded to a stop, releasing Leonard to rub at his eyes as he sighed, "I can't believe I just did that."

"Well, just so you know, it was nice." Leonard reassured, "Although I get the feeling that that isn't your problem."

Barry turned to face him, "I shouldn't be here… with you."

"Go then." Leonard offered, "I'm not an assho-" he broke off sharply, then corrected, "I am an asshole, but I'm not like _that._ It's your choice entirely."

Barry could feel the swell of everything that he had suffered from rising, an undeniable urge to break down also there, "I just… I just need something… someone."

"What's wrong?" Leonard reached over to touch his shoulder but was shrugged off.

Barry grumbled, "You wouldn't care. All you care about is money."

"That's not true and you know it." Leonard said, "Now, tell me."

Barry shook his head, then surged up, kissing Leonard again, pushing him back against the wall of the warehouse. Leonard was again, surprised, but allowed Barry his freedom of movement, knowing that there was something clearly upsetting him and this… whatever it was… seemed to comfort him.

Barry's hands frantically moved to push off Leonard's parka, and that's when Snart decided to back away slightly, "Whoa, Barry… don't you wanna slow down a little bit?"

"No." Barry shook his head, then pushed himself closer to Leonard, whispering wantonly, " _Please…_ I just need to feel something. Make me feel something, _Leonard."_

The way Barry said his name was simply irresistible and Snart was unable to control himself now, his mind replaced by one thing.

 _Barry._

Cold wasn't sure how the two soon found themselves at Leonard's make-shift bed, but he was suddenly _really glad_ that Mick and Lisa had decided to hole up elsewhere otherwise this could've gotten really awkward, really fast.

Leonard unzipped the front of Barry's suit and opened it slightly, baring more of his skin before he ravenously began trailing kisses down his neck.

Barry moaned in euphoria, " _Leonard…"_

"Did I mention I love it when you say my name?" Leonard asked, rather arrogantly before continuing his ministrations with a devilish smirk, drawing the most delightful noises from the speedster.

The following morning, Barry awoke in Leonard's bed slightly confusedly. He nudged the sleeping figure beside him, jostling him from his peaceful slumber with a grumble and a couple of curse words.

"Barry?" Leonard knitted his eyebrows together in perplexion, "You alright? I didn't hurt you, right?"

Barry couldn't believe what he was hearing, "Since when do you care about me? You've shot at me before!"

"I don't know…" Snart reached out and brushed his cheek, "I think something's changed in me."

Barry pulled away from the comforting touch, allowing his guilt and shame to bring him back down, "I can't do that with you again, Le-" he paused, sighing, "Snart." he continued, unable to hold Leonard's gaze, "You're the bad guy and I'm… I'm the Flash. I'm not allowed to be that selfish."

"You're never selfish." Leonard stated, "I think that's your problem. You're always saving everyone else, you never bother to think about yourself. You bottle things up. You know, eventually, that's all gonna burst out of you, and that explosion - it won't be pretty."

Barry sat up, "I should… erm. I should go to work." he looked back at Leonard, "But this… this can't happen again."

"I understand." Leonard sighed, "Sucks being the rebound dude but I can deal."

Barry exhaled softly, "Don't say that. Y-You're not… You're not a rebound. I just got a lot of shit to deal with right now. Like my being late for work."

"Go." Leonard nodded, "But I'll be here for you if you need me."

Barry laughed awkwardly, "I'll be fine, I think." then blurred out.

Unfortunately, Barry was wrong. His day at work went horrible, with Captain Singh getting on his back from quite literally from the moment they got there about his assignments, then they had a homicide to deal with, which lead to him having an awkward conversation about him staying elsewhere all night with Joe at the crime scene.

Afterward, when he went to S.T.A.R Labs, he saw Jessie arguing with Harry again and was forced to remember he had left an entire world at Zoom's mercy when he left Earth-2. Caitlin was sitting, working silently and Barry felt a twinge of guilt as he remembered her scream of utter horror as Jay was ripped away from her.

There weren't any more crimes that needed solving, so Barry spent his time at S.T.A.R Labs silently mulling over how his life had become such a mess and despite how much he wanted to blame it on the Reverse Flash, he knew it was, at least, partly his fault.

He avoided speaking with Cisco the whole time, then left without a word, running as fast as he could in a direction he felt drawn to, the air crashing against his skin. When he stopped running, he cursed when he found himself back at Snart's residence, but couldn't help but knock on the door.

When Leonard opened the warehouse door, he was brandishing his cold gun, paranoid in case the cops ever found him. When he realised it was Barry standing on the other side, he slid the gun back in it's holster.

"Barry?" he looked confusedly at the younger man, "What're you doing here?"

As he done the night before, unable to control himself, Barry pulled Leonard into a passionate kiss by his collar, curling his body insistently against the criminal's.

He felt Leonard lead him inside, their lips still crashing against each other as they made their way over to Snart's bed.

That's how they went along for the next couple of months, every time Barry had a bad day, he would make his way to Leonard's place, wherever that'd be and he would allow himself to feel something for at least a couple of hours.

After they were both sated, they would mostly lie in silence, and Barry's thoughts would return, but sometimes they talked, simply about random things that occurred in their lives. Barry knew it was wrong, that Snart was a murderer and had threatened his friends, had even frozen Cisco's brother's hand to the point he needed medical attention, but he was addicted to the feeling that Leonard gave him. Plus, it felt nice to just have someone for once, somebody who'd kiss him and make love to him.

One day after a particularly long _session,_ Barry was lying with his back turned to Leonard, a silence having fell between them. His mind was reeling from everything that had been building up, including alienating himself from Cisco and sleeping with Leonard, a habit he couldn't bring himself to stop, and everything just started to build up until…

He broke.

Barry internally cursed when he felt the tears roll down his cheeks and attempted to stay silent so that Leonard wouldn't hear him in such a state, but his body betrayed him as he hiccupped a sob, his body trembling.

Almost reflexively, Leonard shot up, resting a hand on Barry's shoulder, "Barry… what's wrong? Tell me…"

"I-I-" The words wouldn't come, and Barry turned to face his lover, his eyes filled with desperation.

Leonard sighed, "Come here…" he pulled Barry close, confusing the speedster slightly as he trailed a hand up and down his back.

This gentleness couldn't belong to the same hands who had once taken lives right in front of him, it was nonsensical, but Barry still found the touch comforting as he allowed himself to feel everything he had been bottling up for weeks.

"It's m-my fault!" he stuttered out between sobs, "O-On Earth-2, s-some metas… Caitlin and Ronn- Firestorm's doppelgangers, th-they killed Joe, and I couldn't stop it… And then Jay, and I just- I left an entire world to Zoom's mercy…"

Leonard pressed his lips to Barry's forehead, then murmured, "Shh… It's okay…"

" _No, it's not!"_ Barry pulled away, his voice rising shrilly, "First, I saw my mom die, then Eddie, then Ronnie, now Joe on that Earth and Jay? People keep dying around me! I-I'm toxic… I'm worthless! What use are these powers if I can't save people?"

Leonard stated, "You can't save everyone, Barry."

"That's easy for you to say because whilst I'm _shacking up_ with you, my friends are losing trust in me, and if I tell them, they'll hate me." the speedster ranted, "The worst thing? I don't _want_ to give this up. I don't want to give up the feeling of- of belonging… of feeling worth something. But I'm not. I get people killed, I'm no better than the Reverse Flash."

Leonard sighed, getting on his knees to cup Barry's cheek again as the other swung his legs off the bed, the tears streaming down his face, "Barry, you're not like him. I promise."

"I should hate you." Barry whimpered, "I should hate you for everything that you've done, what you did to Caitlin and Cisco but I can't help but feel for you and I hate it. It's killing me."

Leonard flinched at the sting of his words, "I-I understand, Barry. If you want to stop…"

"No, but I have to tell them." Barry said, then continued, "But I can't face them… how will they look at me when they find out I'm… this?"

Leonard asked, "Are you gay?"

"No." Barry replied, "I think I-I might be bisexual."

Leonard shrugged, tilting Barry's face up to look at him, "Then they'll accept their bisexual family member. Believe me, these guys are loyal as hell to you."

"They shouldn't be." Barry pulled away, the sobs wracking his frame as his voice broke, " _I killed them, Leonard, and I can't take it. It's my fault I feel like everything inside me just wants to shut down."_

Leonard immediately got worried at that sentence, "You're not going to-"

"No." Barry cut him off, "That'd be too easy for me." he rubbed his face, "God, _Jay…_ It's my fault that he's dead and Cait has to lose another person she loves…" he lost the ability to speak with one last sentence, " _It's all my fault."_

Leonard pulled Barry back into the bed and allowed him to sob into his chest whilst he ran his fingers soothingly through the speedster's hair.

Eventually, the sobs downgraded into minor sniffles as Barry raised his head, his reddened eyes now looking at his lover, "I'm sorry for what I said about you."

"Barry, I'm a criminal." Leonard stated, "I've heard much worse. And besides, you know if you want out, all you have to do is say the words. I wouldn't ever pressure you into such a situation."

Barry gave a watery smile, "You're so sweet to me now… why?"

"Because… I am a nice guy to the minimal things I care about." Leonard replied, then gently kissed Barry, softer than their usual passion filled exploits.

When they broke away, Barry sighed, "I'm going to have to tell them, aren't I?"

"I think so." Snart agreed.

The following day, Barry had called to gather all of his friends at S.T.A.R Labs, and when Cisco walked in, he looked slightly confused that Barry would even give him the time of day with the behaviour he had been exhibiting for the past three months.

"You okay, Barr?" Joe asked, settling beside Iris, "You seemed kind of nervous on the phone."

Harry then asked, "Is it important?"

"I'm seeing somebody." Barry stated, keeping his gaze downcast, "Somebody… none of you guys will approve of."

Iris arched an eyebrow, "What do you mean? Can't be that bad. Unless it's Becky again."

"N-No…" Barry sighed, then confessed, "I'm dating Leonard Snart."

Cisco looked horrified, "What? I'm sorry, I mean _what?!"_

"Look, I know that you guys hate him but he's really helped me through-"

Cisco interjected, "That psychopath could've murdered my brother _and Caitlin."_

"I-" Barry looked up, helpless.

Joe interrupted this time, "He's murdered people, Barry, are you out of your mind?"

"No, I- Joe, he's really helped me." Barry stammered.

Joe raised his voice, " _Well, maybe we would've helped too if you had told us what the hell was going on!"_

Barry flinched, his eyes filling with tears, "I'm… I'm sorry. I guess… I'll show myself out."

He got up to go but was suddenly stopped when both Iris and Caitlin came over and hugged him tightly.

"I understand, Barr." Iris mumbled.

Caitlin rubbed his back, "It'll all be okay."

When they pulled away, a shocked, but calmer Joe asked Barry, "Do you love him?"

Barry paused - he wasn't sure if he did or not, but when the words unconsciously escaped him, he knew his answer, " _I do._ I love him."

"Then… if you're happy and if he treats you good…" Joe huffed, "I guess I can't keep you from him."

Harry rolled his eyes, "This has been riveting, but I will visit my daughter now." he got up and left the room.

"Cisco?" Barry's voice trembled slightly.

Cisco shook his head, "I'm sorry, man. After what he did to Dante… I can't." he walked out, leaving Barry shocked and alone.

"So, what… he just _left_ you?" Leonard asked.

Barry shuffled closer in Leonard's arms and nodded miserably, "Yeah. It was because of Dante."

"His brother." Leonard frowned.

Barry nodded, "Yeah."

"I'm so sorry this has happened to you, Barry." Leonard said sincerely.

Barry shrugged, "I'll be okay, Leonard."

"No, you won't. You should go talk to Cisco. Properly this time." Snart advised, cupping Barry's cheek, "I hate seeing you so upset."

Barry sighed, "I'll talk to him tomorrow. I'm just… let me sleep for now." there was a moment of silence before Barry stated, "I came out today too. They didn't seem to care."

"See, I told you." Leonard smirked, "They're your family, they love you."

Barry asked, "Do you?"

"Of course I do." Leonard replied without hesitation.

Barry smiled, "I love you too."

The next day, Barry arrived at Cisco's apartment rather early and chapped on the door. It took a couple of minutes for Cisco to answer, still in a set of _The Empire Strikes Back_ pajamas, his hair messy as he yawned.

When he recognised his visitor as Barry, his expression went serious, "What're you doing here?"

"I came to apologise." Barry replied, "I've been a jerk these past months and now, with Snart… I'm sorry."

Cisco stepped aside, "Come in, I suppose you want to."

Barry nodded, walking into Cisco's very nerd-pleasing apartment, then turning to him, "Cisco, the way I've acted…"

"You've been stressed over Jay's death, I get it." Cisco sat down on one of the sofas whilst Barry anxiously huddled on the opposite one, "Well, newsflash, dude, we _all_ miss him, and we don't all go sleeping with assholes like Snart."

Barry corrected, "I slept with him to punish myself, Cisco. Initially, anyway. I needed to feel more guilty, to hate myself more, so I slept with my worst enemy. Then I did it again. And again, and again. Eventually, it turned into something else, something more than hate. I fell for him."

"It doesn't change what he's done." Cisco huffed, "But fine. You're happy."

Barry shook his head, "I'm not happy if you hate me."

"Barry Allen, what could ever make you think I hate you?" Cisco asked, worried, "Dude, I hate _him,_ not you. And if you love him, I don't care. You're still my friend, right?"

Barry quoted one of the films he and Cisco watched together, "'I have been and always will be your friend.'"

"Hey, I'm the one who throws out the media references, baby!" Cisco jibed, then pushed at Barry's shoulder lightly, grinning.

Barry laughed aloud, feeling relieved that he had gained back his friend, having been so close to losing him. For the first time in ages, things were starting to look up for him.


	2. Chapter 2

Several days had passed after Barry and Cisco had come to terms with what the former had between himself and his criminal lover, peaceful, merciful days. Then, one night after watching a movie and snuggling together in bed (Barry had teased Leonard for being more cuddly than he looked), the criminal had began to notice his boyfriend being antsy, shuffling around, unable to get to sleep.

Barry was sitting up in the bed, his knees drawn up to his chest as he concentrated, deep in thought. He didn't notice his lover rousing awake beside him.

"Okay, I'll bite." Leonard began, and he felt Barry jump slightly, "What's up with you?"

Barry stammered, "N-Nothing. Nothing needs bit, thank you very much."

"You're acting jumpy." Leonard shuffled into a sitting position, his hand moving to rest on Barry's knee, "And strange, well." he corrected himself, " _Stranger."_

Barry sighed, "I still haven't told Oliver about us."

"Oliver?" Leonard arched an eyebrow, " _Oliver Queen?_ You mean Oliver Queen, right?"

Barry hissed, " _Shit."_ he rubbed his eyes in frustration, "Forget I said anything."

"Barry…" Leonard burst out laughing, remarking, "You're so cute when you're confused!" when his laughter subsided, he stated, "I know that Queen is the Arrow. It's quite obvious to me." he paused for a second, "And I may or may not have heard you discussing it with Cisco when I picked you up from S.T.A.R Labs the other day. Also, what did that Jesse mean when she asked you if you were 'sleeping with the mayor'? Also, when did _I_ start babbling?"

Barry smiled at that, "I think you've picked it up from me. Seems I'm rubbing off on you." he moved closer, pecking his boyfriend's lips before whispering, "In more ways than one."

Snart groaned, "You did _not_ just say that."

"Yes, I did." Barry quipped, "And I am _not_ proud."

Snart backpedaled on their little war of wits to return to the original point, "Anyway, I know who Oliver is." when Barry opened his mouth to speak, he held up his hand, "Don't worry, scarlet, his secret's safe with me. Actually, come to think of it, I still haven't told Lisa and Mick yet."

"Really?" Barry looked confused, "Thought you tell your sister everything."

Leonard retorted, " _Not everything._ Still holding back the secret identity of certain really attractive speedster."

"You can tell her if you want." Barry allowed, "And Mick too. I'm pretty sure neither one will melt my face whilst I'm dating you, which bothers me to think what would happen if we broke up."

Leonard smiled, "Good think I don't plan to break up with you then, scarlet."

"You know, if somebody had told me a year ago I'd be dating Captain Cold, I'd, uh, I'd probably be wondering what they were on." Barry explained, reaching out and taking his boyfriend's hand, "I never imagined my life being so crazy but here we are."

Leonard noticed a faint sadness in Barry's tone and queried, "You okay?"

"I will be." Barry sighed, "But first, Oliver. Gotta… Gotta tell him."

Leonard commented, attempting to lighten the mood, "Let's both hope he's not in the mood for a game of pin the arrows in the criminal."

"Don't joke about that, please." Barry frowned, his voice growing small.

Leonard huffed, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Barry mumbled, wrapping his arms around Leonard's neck, "Just… _hold me?"_

Leonard nodded, shuffling back down, letting Barry rest his head against his chest. He pressed a kiss to the top of his head, listening to the speedster's breathing grow slower until he eventually fell asleep.

A couple of days passed, and Barry was able to convince Oliver to come to Central City for a visit.

Unfortunately, as soon as Oliver walked into S.T.A.R. Labs and saw Leonard, he pulled out his bow and arrow, ready and primed to attack.

"He always this friendly?" Leonard asked, seemingly unfazed that he was a couple of metres away from being impaled in the chest.

Barry stepped between Oliver and his boyfriend, laughing awkwardly, "Ollie, put it down, okay? Snart is… he's my boyfriend."

"What?" Oliver's voice rose, "I gotta question your taste there, Barry. He _is_ a no-good thief."

Leonard snarked, "On the contrary, I'm a _very good_ thief."

"Leonard, can you not, please?" Barry pleaded, "Go, sit down."

Leonard rolled his eyes, "Fine. Only because I'm so sweet on you."

When he left the scene to sit in front of the wall, Oliver lowered his weapon, then grabbed Barry's arm as lightly as possible, "Can I speak to you privately?"

"Why?" Leonard piped up, "Afraid I might be eavesdropping?"

Barry sighed in exasperation, "Yeah, we'll talk out there."

He let himself be lead out into the corridor by Oliver, waiting for the berating and closing his eyes in acceptance when he heard the beginnings of it.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Oliver hissed, "He is a criminal. A criminal who now knows my identity!"

Barry explained, "It's complicated. Leonard was there for me during a time where I needed somebody."

"What about your friends?" Oliver quietened slightly.

Barry shrugged, "I closed myself off. Everyone was busy dealing with Jay's death and their own business and they didn't notice."

"You should've told somebody." Oliver sighed.

Barry's voice cracked as he continued, " _I couldn't._ I felt l-like I was choking to death, like I couldn't breathe because everything inside me just wanted to stop. So yeah, I slept with Snart, and I did it again and again, it was pretty cathartic. But after a while, it became about more than just sex. I started feeling for him."

"Barry, I'm just trying to protect you." Oliver stated, reaching forward to put a hand on his shoulder, "This is what you called me for, isn't it? To tell me about you and Snart."

Barry nodded, "You deserved to know."

"So, are you feeling better about it all or…?" the other man asked.

"I'm not at 100% but, you know, I'm getting there." Barry lied - he was nowhere near 100%, he was barely even managing.

Oliver nodded, "Well, I'm always here for you." he paused, then deadpanned, "And if he hurts you, I'm going to kill him."

"I hope you're joking." Barry laughed nervously, then saw Oliver give a secretive smile before turning around.

Later that night, when Barry had travelled to drop Leonard off at his current motel room, the two had gotten rather sidetracked after giving each other a goodnight kiss which had started a full on make-out that lasted almost a full hour before Barry agreed to stay the night.

Barry laughed as Leonard pressed a kiss to his cheek and remarked, "You know, I'm pretty sure if I was fifteen, Joe would be grounding me right now."

"Lucky you're not fifteen then." Leonard smirked, "You're a grown man, you can look after yourself."

Barry's eyes roamed affectionately over Leonard's face, as if he was remembering each and every detail, painting a picture in his mind so that, should fate intervene, he'd always have this, this beautiful, happy memory.

The speedster avowed softly, "You know I love you, right?"

"Barr-" Leonard's face crinkled up in concern, "Of course I do." he reached up and cupped his lover's cheek, "What's wrong? Tell me."

Barry shook his head, faking a smile, "I'm alright, Len."

Leonard shivered at that, Barry hardly ever used that nickname for him, it was always his full name - something was definitely wrong, he could sense it, but as Barry rested his head on his chest innocently, listening to his boyfriend's not-so-cold heart thumping, Leonard couldn't bring himself to ruin the moment.

Instead, he pressed a small kiss to the top of his boyfriend's head, settling his arm around his waist.

Within moments, the two found themselves being lulled into slumber, the waking world being shut away from them.

" _I love you…" a familiar voice spoke in Barry's head as the scene unfolded around him._

 _He was back in his old house, holding his mother's dying body in his arms as his body was wracked with sobs, the feeling of dread and horror lacing through his veins as he realised what was happening dragging him into a dark place in his mind._

 _His mom's hands were cold on the side of his neck as she desperately tried to cling onto a morsel of life for him, just to see him for a few seconds, her beautiful boy, her baby, all grown up. It was something every mother wanted to see only warped by the terror of the situation - she was dying and her boy wasn't being happy, no, he was breaking her heart._

" _Barry…" she choked out, her hands starting to loosely drop, "Goodbye."_

 _Barry shook his head, pulling away, "N-No. This is a dream, this isn't real! You're not my mother!"_

" _Wha-" the wounded look in Nora's eyes was replaced with a glassiness as she drew her final weak breath, a tear rolling down her cheek._

 _Barry instantly took back his words, allowing his fantasy to draw him back in as a wave of overwhelming guilt crashed over him and he cupped his mouth in pure, unadulterated trepidation._

" _M-Mom?" he gasped, suppressing the urge to retch at the sight of his mother - his own mother - lying motionless, covered in blood, her eyes blank and staring,_ "No." _the word was strained as it left his mouth, and he dropped his hand to brush back a strand of his mother's hair as he sobbed, "I'm sorry, mom. I didn't mean it."_

 _A chillingly familiar voice caught his attention, "Well, it's a bit late for taksie-backsies, isn't it Barry?"_

 _It was Harrison Wells, but not the one they had at S.T.A.R. Labs, no, the one wasn't actually Mr. Wells at all. Eobard Thawne, the Reverse-Flash, a man destined to be his greatest enemy and whom had been his greatest downfall._

 _Barry's head rose, and his breath jumped in apprehension, "This isn't real."_

" _Trying to tell yourself this is just a nightmare, Allen?" Eobard mocked, his eyes filled with condescension, "Even if that was true, still doesn't change a thing." he smiled, "I'm inside of your head. Your greatest fear, your greatest enemy. The killer of your mother."_

 _Barry hissed, getting to his feet, "Shut up."_

" _How would she feel if she found out you were hooking up with a no-good criminal, a murderer?" he teased, "I think she would hate you, deservedly so too. I mean, you_ did _let her die, didn't you?"_

 _More tears rolled down Barry's cheeks and his shoulders slumped in defeat, "Fine, you've won, Wells. You've taken her from me, an-and Eddie and Ronnie, now Jay."_

" _Well, that's not enough for me yet, Barry." Eobard stepped forward, "I'm going to take more, until you have nothing, nobody left. You don't deserve any of them, not even the criminal."_

 _Barry began to mutter under his breath, "Justadreamit'sjustadream." in a mantra, trying to calm himself._

 _All of a sudden, his mother's cold, dead hand locked around his ankle and he cried out, the room shifting as more bodies appeared onto the floor. Joe, Iris, Caitlin, Cisco, his dad, Oliver and finally, blood pooling around his head, Leonard._

" _This is your curse, Barry." Eobard stated, "Death follows you, and when they get too close, they get hurt. So maybe I should just put you out of your misery!"_

 _Suddenly, Eobard's vibrated through his chest, causing him to scream out in utter agony as a flash of cold struck across his torso._

Barry awoke with a small gasp, noticing for a second that Leonard was still asleep before speeding out of the bed and crashing into the bathroom, knocking several things over as he finally understood what was wrong with him.

He wasn't sure how, but it seemed that in his panic, Barry Allen had forgotten how to breathe.

He attempted to inhale, but the air wouldn't come, almost as if somebody was choking him. In a moment of rage, he rifled his fist into the mirror, shattering it instantly but wincing as shards of it got caught in his hands.

He knew he'd heal, but no coherent thoughts were getting into his head as his panic rose. He vaguely registered Leonard's voice calling his name, but the sound of his own heartbeat distracted him as he collapsed to his knees, gasping.

Leonard burst into the bathroom, immediately rushing to his boyfriend's aid, taking his face between his hands, "Oh, my God. Okay, Barry, I'm going to need you to take some deep breaths, can you do that with me?"

Tears rolled down Barry's cheeks, but he managed a faint nod, and when Leonard began to count, he forced himself to take some deep breaths.

 _Inhale. Exhale._

 _Inhale. Exhale._

 _Inhale. Exhale._

 _Inhale. Exhale._

 _Inhale…._

 _And exhale._

When his breathing had calmed, Barry ducked his head in shame only to have Leonard tip his face up again.

"It's okay, scarlet, you don't have to be ashamed." Leonard assured, his voice gentle, "Did you have a nightmare?"

Barry's voice was hysterically high-pitched as he babbled between loud sobs, "I didn't mean t-to, _I'm sorry!"_

"Barry, baby…" Leonard's thumbs attempted to stroke away the tears, "You have to calm down and tell me what's wrong, okay?"

The words flooded out desperately, " _It'sallmyfault!"_

"What is?" his boyfriend's voice grew softer.

Barry finally allowed himself the emotional reprieve he needed by confessing, " _I let her die._ M-My mom, I went back and I… I had a chance to save her, but I let her die. A-And then there was Eddie, an-and Ronnie, an-and Jay. And it's not getting any better!" he whimpered, "Every time I try to move on with my life, m-my mind stops me. And I deserve it. I don't deserve to move on, not after everything that I did." he finished weakly, " _I killed my own mother."_

"Barry, it wasn't your fault, what happened with your mother." Leonard assured, "I've said it before and I'll say it until my last breath, it wasn't your fault. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, it's the way the world works and it's harsh and it's awful, but we move on."

The speedster seemed to calm down slightly after that, his crying degrading until he was simply trembling. Leonard didn't leave him, staying loyally by his side.

Breaking the silence between them, the criminal asked, "Your hand, is it okay? You hit the mirror."

Barry looked at his fist, there were shards stuck in his skin, "Hurts a bit but I'll… I'll heal."

"Do you want a glass of water?" Leonard stroked his cheek softly, "Panic attacks are awful, but a glass might help calm your nerves a bit."

The speedster looked slightly confused, "You've dealt with panic attacks before, then?"

"Uh… yeah." Leonard answered, "Lisa and I both used to get them thanks to my dad. We also both grew quite adept at helping each other through them."

Barry exhaled shakily, "God, I'm a mess."

"Everybody's a mess, Barry." Leonard hurled back, his eyes becoming glassy as he drawled, "It's the world we live in, it's full of crappy people who lie and cheat and hurt us."

Barry's face was adorned with a look of innocence as he noted, "That's a very cynical thing to think."

"I know." Leonard's gaze returned to him, and he leant forward and gently kissed his boyfriend's forehead before continuing, "That's why I have you, so I don't become too… _cynical."_ He got to his feet, offering the younger man his hand, "Now, how about that drink of water? I would offer you something stronger but…"

Barry nodded, finishing his sentence, "It wouldn't work on me." he took Leonard's hand, allowing himself to be pulled up and close to the criminal. He murmured into the creak of his lover's neck, " _I love you."_ making the other man smile with an overwhelming sense of joy.

The following day, the couple awoke to the sound of knocking at Leonard's door. The speedster groaned, exhausted.

"I'll get it." Leonard moaned miserably before shambling to his feet, looking less than happy at leaving the warmness of his bed. The knocking grew louder, and he shouted, "Alright, alright, _I get it!"_ he opened the door and couldn't help the smile curving his lips as he saw Mick and Lisa standing there, "What're you doing here?"

Lisa pouted, "Are you saying I need a reason to visit my favourite brother?"

"I'm your _only_ brother, now make it snappy, I got some business to attend to." Leonard hissed.

She retorted, "Jerk."

"We're on the run." Mick explained, "We… ahem… went jewellery shopping."

Barry cursed, listening from the other room to their muffled voices as he pulled the cover over his head.

Leonard remarked, "You mean you _stole_ it?"

"Well, nobody's perfect." Lisa tilted her head, then frowned, "What's wrong with you, Lenny? You're acting awfully… good."

Leonard sighed, "I'm seeing somebody."

" _Awesome."_ Mick laughed, "'Bout time you got yourself a girl."

Leonard corrected, "Actually, I'm seeing a man. His name's Barry, he's rather pretty."

"Barry, huh?" Lisa smirked, "Wait. Isn't that Cisco's friend? God, I miss that boy."

Leonard rolled his eyes, "I'm guessing you two need a place to crash."

"You're guessing right!" Mick barked before shoving past Leonard, who closed his eyes, cursing under his breath in exasperation.

 _If there was ever a time for a family reunion,_ he mused, _it most certainly isn't now._

Lisa huffed childishly as she entered the apartment, "Lenny, it's almost if you aren't happy to see us."

"My boyfriend's foster dad is a cop." he explained, opening his eyes, "You can tell why harbouring people who stole jewellery isn't on my bucket list."

She bantered back, "You steal things."

"Not much anymore." he retorted, shutting the door, "You guys hungry? I've got… well, I've got nothing in, well, not much." he walked into the living room and saw Barry awkwardly standing in front of Mick, his hands linked behind his back, reminding him of a school kid in front of their Headmaster.

Mick remarked, "This kid is tiny, Snart." he turned to his partner, "Are you sure you didn't just adopt him?"

"I'm perfectly sure, Mick." Leonard shuffled over, resting his hands on Barry's shoulder, "Barry, this is Mick."

Barry accidentally blurted out, "Oh, we've met." then stammered, "I-I mean, I saw him fighting the Flash, who I am definitely not, by the way." he awkwardly laughed, "Too slow."

" _Riiight."_ Mick nodded, "Anyway, I'm gonna make myself something to eat."

Leonard inhaled deeply, "Help yourself, but there ain't much there." he saw his friend leave the room.

"So, Lenny…" Lisa tilted her head, voice going quieter, "When were you gonna tell me you were dating The Flash?"

Barry's eyes widened, " _Shit."_

"Now, now, loverboy." she held up a hand, "It's alright. I won't tell."

Leonard began, "How…?"

"I'm not just a pretty face, Len. You're not very discreet. But I _am_ also a pretty face." she replied, "Don't worry. His secret's safe, I promise. As long as I get to keep my pretty diamonds, I won't tell a soul."

Barry smiled, "You can tell you two are related."

"I _think_ that's a compliment." Leonard smirked as he relaxed, wiring his arm around Barry's waist.

Lisa couldn't help the grin that graced her lips, delighted at seeing her brother happy, "Well, I'm gonna check on Mick, don't want him setting your pretty little apartment on fire, do we?" she stepped forward, cupping Leonard's cheek, "I'm happy for you, big brother." her gaze diverted to Barry, "You hurt him and I'll melt your face. Got it?"

"Got it." he nodded, and watched her leave the room before stating, "Our lives are weird."

Leonard quipped, "Not really, I mean, you're just a genius CSI by day, red leather wearing, crime-fighting speedster by night and I'm a criminal with an icy laser gun. Simple really."

"I love you, you know that?" Barry asked, as if he needed constant validation, his hand cupping Leonard's cheek.

Leonard smiled, "I love you too, scarlet."

Barry pressed his lips to Leonard's softly, feeling the crook's arm settling on his waist, pulling him closer and he couldn't help but think, this was happiness.

Then, a sudden thought came to mind and he pulled away, cursing, "Shit. Still haven't told my dad."

"That can wait, Barry." Leonard assured.

Barry laughed softly, then rested his forehead against his boyfriend's, "Yeah, I guess."


End file.
